Dear Saem, It's so unfair sometimes. Life is unfair. I remembered when you were so troubled just last year because you had to take a year off from college even though you really wanted to go to Syracuse. And I remembered that we prayed together about it. And I remember all those times during retreats, we had girl talks and we ate snacks and talked together. I still don't get it, Saem. You were our sister and our friend. You were so talented in everything you did. I also remembered one day when we decided to decorate the church for Christmas, like two years ago. And your background came out beautiful, but we knew that because you were Saem and you were amazing. I remember your sweet sweet personality Saem, the way you always took care of your little sister and brought her to church. As our bible study deceased and we moved to EM, I saw less and less of you. I did want to catch up with you but I always thought there would be time. I didn't know I was this wrong. I trust in God Saem that He will take care of you and your family. And I continue to pray. Saem, I wish I could see you again just to tell myself that this isn't real. But I know I'll see you again. up there. I love you Saem.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
I have no words to describe how I feel. I'm so lost and tumbling and I'm crawling my way back. I'm trying to do QTs and Bible Study. I'm trying to better seek what I lost or what I'm looking for. Turns out, I'm not really sure what it is.
It's hard to believe that you're saved, especially after all the bad things you've done in a lifetime. Even though I have read it in the bible countless times, I'm still doubting, still uncertain. Why would God love someone as significant as I am? Why would he send his one and only son to die for me? I have nothing to offer, and I only continue to do wrong. I want to be saved oh so badly, but I'm constantly in unrest.
I wish I could have the faith that I had when I first met Jesus. When I first met Jesus, I was so in love with him. I wanted to give him my all, and never ever let go. Now, it seems that I'm taking his love for granted. I think in the back of my mind, I love him and I will try my hardest to clear up any doubts that stand in between my relationship with him. But I haven't done much to show it.
I hope I come out of this rut. :|
Romans 5:8-9 However God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more will we be saved from God's wrath through him.
Tuesday, 04 August 2009
I just looked back on all my revelife blogs, and I was touched. Lately I have been drifting farther and farther away from Him. I've been doing things that God wouldn't approve of me doing. And I was hurt by the distance of our hearts. Now I truly understand the nature of sin. God, our father, probably does not disapprove of sin for its evilness. No, he only disapproves because sin destroys his children, his precious followers of Christ whom He loves whole heartedly and because of sin, the children cannot see the father. And they question why. I wish I can go back to the days, when I blogged about silly things; things that didn't matter much to other people perhaps. But they mattered to me. Things like the sunset and sunrise, the loveliness of a flower, maybe not even a flower but a weed. It's time I installed some discipline inside myself so I may know Him more. And I truly do want to know Him. I hope I can look back onto this entry another year later and smile because I have indeed grown and I will be the joyous daughter that cherishes and honors the precious relationship she holds with her dad.
I hope that every Christian has gone through the doubts and pain that have been filling my mind. I hope that this brings me only closer to God and understanding His love through Christ. I pray that the doubt does not lead me away from Him, because I tend to let my struggles get the best of me.
I am doubting God himself. I am doubting His will and love in my life. I know He exists and I have seen His grace, but I feel only mostly in other people. I want to know Him so badly. I want to get to see Him more, and live by His word. But why can't I? I'm always bothered by my inability to hear Him. I know that it is impossible for me to hear God, unless I fully accept Christ as my savior and have allowed Him to guide my life. But praying to Him and seeking Him, and then only realizing that my pitiful little heart can barely hear anything, this bothers me so much.
Then sometimes, I wonder, does God really love me? I know He loves others, so many great pastors and priests and even people like me. I have seen Him work wonders in their lives. I have seen Him give great spiritual gifts to them and seen them do amazing things. But the same time, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I can't see or feel love as well as others. And then I get upset because I start questioning His love. Perhaps this only means that my relationship with Him is not fully mature enough, and I hope so. I want to feel the Holy Spirit in me. I want to see Christ. I want to know God. What else can I do besides pray and do bible study and qts? Why do I always feel that I have to earn God's love? I always feel that I have to sin less, so my Father will love me more, just as any other young child would feel to her parent. I'm confused and helpless. I also pray that God will answer my questions, perhaps in ways unimaginable, but I want to know him. And I'm scared when I realize I don't.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
In a world where we don't know about tomorrow. In a world where our own hearts and minds can betray us while we watch helplessly praying that we can be led back again. Let us live for the sake of living and finding ourselves. Let us find who we are and where we belong.
John 15:19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you like one of its own. But you do not belong to the world. I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
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